The journey of thoughts

I started with my new website yesterday. It is just an experiment and let's see how it turns out. I shall soon provide the link here but right now I am busy making it grow. I am soon to start with reading a new book. And since I have downloaded quite a few of them I am yet to decide which one. I still did not finish ' Kafka 0n the shore' by the way. It was not boredom. It was me getting involved in some other useful activities. Sometimes I wonder that there is so much to learn in this world. So much to improve on.  Sometimes the journey does become lonely and you only wish that there was a bestfriend. The Watson and Sherlock friendship, or the Dean and Sam unity or the Richard and Peralta combo or the Meredith-Yang partnership. But in real world things are quite different. I am blessed to have some good friends in my life. But as we say it in Bengali, " moner manush " . That moner manush is not there. Neither my mother, nor my boyfriend is that person for me. All my good friends are people who will do anything for me to cheer me up, will be there for me when I would need them but I am still looking for someone who would say for me " I don't have friends, but I have one. " I know it is dramatic. But I believe in magic. I believe that God is probably reading my blog in paradise and will find a solution for me soon. I don't mind doing things all alone. Because that is what i have been doing all my life. Fighting battles and winning wars, all alone. It gives confidence, pleasure and deep down makes you feel good. But I need someone I can share my enthusiasm with.  Whether work, or my passion. That day on the night camp when i was busy gazing at the stars I was happy doing it all alone. I did not miss my mother or my boyfriend. Neither any of my friends. But later i realized that pleasures as such are good when one is all alone but only if I had my 'moner manush', how different it would have been. I think now i know the meaning of the word sublime. I told my mother about this the other day. She told me I am so busy with doing my own work all the time that I shall never get my 'moner manush' . That is exactly my point. Since i love working, i want someone who will do the work with me. Think like me and help me think beyond. Live with me and make my life more livable. Whether it is my work or lonliness, or whether it is more- I need my person to be there with me all the time. I wish that I could connect randomly with any random person like most others do it so effortlessly. But my demands and expectations from life is so huge that I cannot settle for anything lesser. I have never done that. I have always battled with myself and the society for my place. Today people in my hometown neighbourhood  ask me whether it was always my dream to be a teacher. Maybe yes. Because i wanted to be so many things. I wanted to be a corporate lawyer, i wanted to become a theatre person. i wanted to become a doctor when I was very, very young. But after class 12, I chose English for myself and everyone i knew told me that the subject is too ordinary given my percentage and calibre. Nevertheless, I went for it. After that when i decided to further go on with a masters degree in English Literature, again there were people advicing me to go for journalism, join MNC's and what not. But I think since my bachelors i always knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to teach. Be a professor or a teacher and over time I have realized that this is one of the toughest jobs if you do it right. Remember not everyone we meet in the school is a teacher, some are just there because they had no other option. For me it has never been like that. Despite having options i chose this. Inspiring minds is not an easy task. Learning everyday is not an easy task. Educating the youth is not an easy task. Preparing for your lessons and speaking it aloud in the class in front of your students ain't easy. Putting up a smile on your face despite all your personal battles, just because you think that probably you are inspiring a student or students is not easy. Teaching lessons is okay. But teaching life lessons- not every teacher can do that. Sometimes it becomes so stressful that i feel like giving up and choosing an easier career option where i can just go, do my 9-5 job, not shout at anyone and then come back home and get paid at the end of the month. But that does not call for any innovation or psychological challenges everyday. The respect that I shall get as a teacher is a lifelong thing. It is not a corporate job where someone is always there to kick you out. No matter at which age of your life you are, students will call you 'ma'am'. And students- well to add some humour I always tell that if I get a high B.P someday it will be because of them and if i smile and feel good profession wise. again it is going to be because of them. I have started here but i shall not end here. Some say ' do not work hard, work smart.' I say there is no substitute to hard work and being smart may not always give you the pleasure that can be an outcome of your hardwork. Well I started with a different note and ended on a different one. That is what I do, most of the times i think. I have too many thoughts in my mind and writing them all down is like giving a shape to the stream of consciousness structure inside my brain. One thought connects to the other and the other to another and it goes on.