The drudging phase

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Today is Bengali New Year and I am terribly upset, though I tried putting up a happy face throughout. The days are not passing quickly. I  am restless. And there is of course some workload.  In a way this workload keeps me busy. Yet I try to find my self time. For the past three days my self time has been my blog. But it does not become possible always. I have stopped communicating with even the few I used to communicate with before, It is just my mother and I. And there is no subject under Earth that she does not discuss with me. I just nod because I am physically and mentally exhausted all the time now a days. A month and a half back I even decided to leave Chhatarpur once and for all and my decision was final. I got a job offer too. Two job offers, if you ask. My mother made me understand and helped me calm down. Yes , she was the one to calm me down this time. But anyway I am counting days. To end this particular phase. It is tiring. It is lonely. It is exhausting. But quitting is not easy either. Atleast not for me. It takes a lot of courage to just quit, leave everything and go. Because if I do that I shall probably end up reminiscing about why I quit a particular place or  a job or a person, for quite sometime. But I also believe that things that are not worth it should be left behind. And it is not called giving up . It is called moving on. And i am stuck between these two. The line that differentiates the two is blur to me at this point. I miss being me sometimes. I miss my friends. I miss that part where I could just sit beside a friend and not tell a word. But that silence always meant  some communication. It is hard to keep accepting whatever life throws at you and let go. It is even more dissatisfying to see people take pleasure in your discomfort. Why has the world always been like this ? T.S Eliot once said that April is the cruellest month. Don't I already know that by now?! Strange is that we always dream to get a job after completing our education and then when we actually get the job we understand that the system is more complex than we thought it would be. I wish i could be one of those people who would rather work near her house and live a far more comfortable life. But I was never like that. I can never be like that. I just know. It is in my nature to make challenging decisions and then suffer and in return make my blog suffer.

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