Post 300 (260)

 Post 300. I feel a little nostalgic as I write this. I started this blog with the help of a friend back in 2015. He not only inspired me to write it but also wrote down a few posts for me. Did not own a smart phone or a laptop back then. I have thought of giving up on this blog two, three times. Each time I think of doing it, I am reminded of all the effort and enthusiasm with which my friend and I started this blog and it prevents me from not writing anymore. Among other reasons, I also feel that writing is very therapeutic. I am also blessed with a few regular readers. Thank you for keeping up with my blog, till this date.

There are times when I visit my old posts and I reflect back on days and memories that made me who I am today. It's beautiful that I wrote it down somewhere. So when I read, I am reminded of all the little details of days and events. When I started this journey of writing my blog as a substitute to diary writing, I did not have money. I was a student who used to stay in a hostel. I skipped meals to save the little money that my dad gave me. But I had peace. I had my father, grandfather, grandmother. I had some good people in my life. I had high aspirations. O well, I still have them but now I know the cost. I wish they could all stay with me in my journey ahead. I wish I could show them for once, the woman that I am today. The woman that I have become. I have a lot of stories to share. I share them with my mother. I miss them. I can't say I regret what life gave me. Life had always thrown challenges at me and I have tried to not give in. However, things could have been better. I am not 30 yet. I have seen the court, the prison, the hospital and I have suffered the anxiety and stress of a bad break up of a serious relationship. Isn't twelve years a long time for a relationship?  I lost my father and grandparents in a matter of four years. I wonder how I still keep going with all the memories that I don't want to keep.  What If I tell my readers that somehow I feel it's not me that functions. It's an energy that keeps me going. 

Amidst the pandemic, things have become difficult for people like me. I dwell inside my mind. My profession too is that of a teacher. I had a hard time the past session. I am sure all the teachers would agree with me. Online teaching is difficult. Giving your best always is difficult. Teaching a board batch is difficult.  It has definitely taken a toll on my mental health. Everything together along with the present lockdown has made the situation worse. I hope we all qualify this bad phase that has made us our lives so unbearably painful.

I have been massively misunderstood by many since my childhood. I am going through one such phase now. Nothing will change. But there will be the burden of one more bad memory. One more ' it could have been this ' feeling. And  I would still wake up from my bad nightmares to a reality that's even worse and then hustle.  I always tell myself that the challenges in my life are not bigger than my dreams. If this is not learning and growing, then what is?

P.S- There are 40 unpublished posts saved in my drafts. 

With a sigh- Stay home, stay safe and stay happy.