A day with thoughts and hurdles

Long days, tough times at work and a lot many random thoughts- an amalgamation of all these factors together is taking away the ' no worries ' factor from my life. Adulting is tough. A combination of psychological and physical factors make it worse. When people ask you 'What is wrong? , you find yourself struggling for an answer. What are you supposed to tell them after all? Work life is not satisfactory or the fact that people around you don't share the same consciouness level like yours or are way too rude to do their work properly and not poke their nose in someone else's business. Managing two homes simultaneously even when it is not really required, at this age and dealing with domestic issues from so many miles away is nothing less than a torture. Or maybe- modern thinkers will ask me to term it as a challenge? They say " deal with it ", but am i not already doing that? What more, exactly? I am in such a position where i can't even share what is wrong with me and never give a hint to anyone about it and keep smiling as if that is my business. The only business. People are blunt in telling you " you are not capable of this and that" and then they themselves fall short in their work. Not that it bothers me too much. Because i have dealt with the same kind of shit in my hostel days and yet managed to remain in the top two list always [academically]  and obviously proving people wrong about what i am capable of and what i am not. If i set my mind to something , I do it. And that in turn builds a pressure inside my mind too, because there is this unrest prevailing till i achieve it and now imagine with this thing working inside my mind all the time [ since i have a  list of few other things that i want to achieve next year ] I am dealing with the everyday regular stuff - stuffs I need to think about and give my time to and stuffs that naturally come to you when you are a part of a work culture. The second category of stuffs obviously don't need my attention but anyway. No choice. With that comes one more important thing. Understanding my pupils. I consider this seriously because I don't want to end up as a teacher with a high rank but zero understanding, or a teacher who is not at all a teacher or a makeup kit teacher [lol] , if you know what i mean. And this is so tough. Because  it often demands from me a very rude attitude, sometimes a sympathetic attitude and some other times it requires from me eyes and ears that sees and understands everything but is required to not act because students are students and they will never know the reasons behind your 'what' and 'why' and 'where'. Given a chance they will judge you all the time. They do it anyway. They think that it is a piece of cake to walk in the school or in a classroom and deliver and go out. They demand your patience and challenge it at the same time. Students do not often ask you if you are well enough to teach but if you are absent for a day they ask you why? And yes we deal with it. They often forget that we are humans too. Since I was never like that when i was a student, and no matter how naughty, I was always very respectful towards my teachers , i find it very difficult to understand such behaviour often and think about it and appear the next day as if nothing had happened with the same understanding but different temperament. I have decided to be very frank with my students because they need to know where they are wrong. They also need to know that there is a teacher who will never lie to please them but will always be there if they need support. These qualities are for my long term goals obviously. With all these tabs often and a bad tonsillitis I am supposed to go to school and shout tomorrow. Tell me if this is not the hardest job on earth then what is? Kids from the junior section came to me the other day telling me " ma'am you are so good. You always smile and we like that about you ". And also someone from class eight told me " my faith in you has increased. You are one of the best teachers for me ".  There are good sides too and I will continue to work for this kindness, acknowledgement and appreciation. I don't all to like me, a need a few who will remain faithful from the beginning till the end. Nobody likes a temporary stay inside someone's mind after all. I am no exception here.