learning and growing

Seems like mental illnesses are a trend now. Attention seekers often make themselves a victim of some non existing mental illness just because they want a special treatment from others, or feel like standing out if they do so or simply because their favourite celebrity claimed to have been diagnosed by it. Truth is , there is no proper diagnosis for mental trauma. And it hurts me to see people faking it because there are people with genuine issues who would much rather live a life free from such depression. A person who really wants to commit suicide will never tell to the world or threaten his or her loved ones with their pre declaration of the suicide plan. Similarly a person suffering from severe depression won't always be sad around people to get that attention. And anyway no person is a better kickass than someone who is always determinedly ready to rise from the ashes. Because it calls for courage, a lot of courage.

The birthday went surprisingly okay. I started getting calls from 21st eve. But obviously the midnight calls matter the most. It shows that there are still people who are excited about your birthday or maybe simply they care to make you happy. It feels good. Even I participate in making the birthday of my friends special. I think that is what life is about. Doing for others and yourself. Being selfish just makes one lonlier. Being lonely is sad and tough. I know this phase too. I really miss evening hangouts and walks. My mom is not always ready for such kind of stuff. We have a roof in our present place and I find it so very beautiful. But my mother does not allow me to go there often. It ain't that I cannot go. But it is a little isolated. And at night it is both more beautiful and more isolated and that is exactly what makes it more tempting to me. It gets a little lonlier after i come back from school because mother has different interests from mine. So she spends her time watc...

Last week was so hectic. A pile of unwanted work just fell on my shoulders. Even few minutes before doing those stuffs, I was not sure if I will be able to do it. The feeling was even worse since I had a hard time sleeping a sound sleep. But now it is all over. And what matters to me is that I gave my 100% in it. There are basically so many things that one got to keep doing to survive the arena socially. Let's see how long I can maintain it. Things just keep getting tougher. The other reason why I am writing today is because of a good friend of mine who recently lost her pet dog. She asked me to write about her pet dog ' Rex ' and I will try to. Priya, let me share something with you today. When I was in class 4, I went to my uncle's house during summer vacation and was extremely delighted and scared to see a baby German Shepherd in his house. But as time went by I started spending more time with him. His name was Mac. And we became good friends. The day I was coming ba...

After all the chaos, when someone actually asks you to open up and speak, you feel good.I usually don't like sharing too personal stuffs but it is not that bad either. Most people like to see you suffer. But people who really love you and care for you, they always stand by you no matter what. After a week with my morbid mood I finally feel happy. It feels like I am not the only one who feels differently about almost anything. There are others like me too and it is okay to not feel okay all the time. Friend, when I will meet you next i will give you the long, long hug that is due for a long time now. I will discuss Karl Marx, Murakami and Kafka with you over a cup of coffee. I will talk about the achievements that has been already added to both of our buckets and about lessons we have learned from all our mistakes and judgments. We will talk about how young we still are and how ambition and knowledge does not always add up the math of making us happier. I would love to have endless ...

People say " Don't try my patience ". And finally i get this for real. How many times can a person overlook the mean, selfish nature of another person? Some morons just confirm the FACT that cold blooded creatures are for real who pollute the environment by their lack of responsibility. This is the second time in my life that I have felt so disgusted by anyone. I want to close my eyes and mind and not overlook any fucking shit of anyone whatsoever from now on. Let such people suffer, for they deserve to.

Tagore once said Kadambari Devi, " Tumi thakleo, ami eka " ( Despite having you, I am lonely ). Exactly what I feel very often. Surrounded by people, but there is this hollowness. It is empty. Talking about things that hardly matter. Because there is simply noone to talk with if you REALLY want to talk. Engaging in trifles because one got to live anyway. I am not even tired. I think it is something beyond that. The gusto is missing. It feels horribly empty. No amount of anything makes me happy. The more I read about God, the more it puzzles me. Makes me angry. But one usually gets angry on things that has some existence. I don't even know who I am being so angry on? If it is God, where is he? He is not calming me down. But the thought that he won't eventually calms me down. When I see families on road walking happily, i wonder how? So temporary it is but one probably has to accept dois particular phase in a lifetime. Where does all these rules come from? Why do we hav...

It has increasingly become a little difficult for me to confide with all the rules and regulations of my mother. After 18,I was out of my house and since then for the next five years, that is to say, till i completed my third semester of Masters i have been living on my own. My father send me money every month. But it was never enough to meet all my needs. More than that I think it was my want to save and reach a certain amount in my bank account which no one knew about. So i took my own classes, gave tuitions,skipped meals and sometimes ate only biscuits to suffice me for the rest of the day. Life was difficult but I was free. Ain't that what I am supposed to be? Now with my mom living with me I am in a routine, i am more disciplined, I get my regular healthy food but I am a little within bounds. Difficult for most Indians to digest what I am telling. Because this is supposed to mean heaven for most Indians. Even I remember complaining myself about how jealous I felt of my classma...

The pain is still there. It gives a choking sensation often. But I have learned to let things pass. I have learned to work with that bad feeling. And now I smile. It has become a habit. Maybe a good habit. Except for sometimes when some tell me to open the mask. The point is I don't want to. I have spend too long a time with that mask on . I know it is a mask but I can't get rid of it. I don't know whether it is at all good to feel things and not react. I escape. From places. People. Memories. Thoughts. I have emotionally distanced myself from the two most important people in my life. They perhaps realize it. I am sadly not brave enough to end my painful existence. But I am good enough to show others I am okay. Things are fine. And as long as that works for others, it shall work for me too. As T.S Eliot once said in his " Preludes " - "I am moved by fancies that are curled Around these images, and cling: The notion of some infinitely gentle Infinitely sufferi...