One year since then...

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It is one year today since you passed away. I still remember all the promises that I made to you just before burning your body. And trust me papa, I have been able to live up to those and I have got so much more to do within the next one year. A lot many problems had been solved, a lot many yet to be dealt with. Life has changed so much. I wish you could answer me one question though. You asked your daughter to dream big, to soar high. But you never told her how to do it without your emotional support. It is hard. I am still looking forward to a few projects in this upcoming year. Will I be able to do it? Of course my friends and family members think that I can just like I have so far. They tell me that I am too strong. And yes they are right. I am. I never knew i was. But since your death I have realized I am. I have been to hospital once after your death. I remember everyone crying for me because I had a terrible breakdown. But i remember my own thoughts. I remember telling myself on the hospital bed " You are not going to die" in an undertone. I remember people who were worried about me because I was unable to speak, walk, talk, react. But I am still alive and I have done so much more than what people of my age are usually expected to do. Right from dealing with court, to bank, to many other stuffs that you know well. I am strong because I remember making all my friends smile right on the day I re- joined college after your death. I remember one of my classmates telling me, " Kamalika, your mother must be so proud to have a daughter like you who knows how to smile and make others laugh when she herself is in a big trauma, both physically and mentally? How do you manage?" To be honest, I still don't have the answer. I struggle, but I manage. I cry but without tears. I break down but I come out stronger. And to be a strong person it kills you somewhere. It ain't easy. Not just that ; I think in this one year with my broken mind I have also managed to inspire a few lives maybe. Some juniors of my college, some friends from my college too and some juniors from my school back in Durgapur. You see father, I am strong. As i said. I don't know how. I guess it is because being strong is the only option left for me, with me. Even when I am writing this blog let me tell you I am not well. Since Saturday night my health is not okay. I have taken a leave from school which anyway I would have done today because it is 13th of August and I can't pretend to smile around people today. I just can't. This place is a little weird. Most don't know how to behave but expect you to be in your best behaviour always. Most people gain pleasure when they see you sad. Never mind. I always tell myself that my current job,my present state are all temporary events in my life and someday very soon I will go to a place where I will have better people surrounding me and for that matter well behaved and disciplined students. Fingers crossed. Only if i could tell you a few stories face to face, we could have laughed together. Mamon has a hard time communicating in Hindi. So do I. But I manage. She is all the time angry on me because she loves me so much. And I missed this attention during the past five years of my hostel life. It is too good to have my mother making food for me. Do you know Souvik is on his Europe tour sending me all Harry Potter merchandise photos. Of course he wants me to react. To be jealous of him because he is closer to that magical world. And I am jealous ( i know papa you are smiling already. O wait! I think it was a smirk and now your daughter is angry). But I am, in fact we all are so happy for Souvik. Mamon wants me to get married soon. Even Souvik's mom.Souvik too wants to. But your daughter is not ready yet. I mean I am a kid. I can't cook. And If i get married my husband will have to survive on Maggie, tea and coffee. That reminds me- do you know I am sharing this house with a man who is around my age but knows how to cook for his survival. I know I should get inspired. But i don't. I just admire and then sink back inside my own world where I don't have to cook. I am so happy that I am not the only woman on earth who is like this. You see I atleast know how to make Maggie. My closest friend does not even know how to do that. ( chuckles). I miss you so much Babu. I wish we could have this conversation face to face.

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