Outlet to the triggers

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 Lately and coincidentally, people from different backgrounds and places, have been asking me if I am okay with being alone ? Some even ask me how do I manage it because they want such a lifestyle for themselves. While few others look at me with speculative eyes and think that I fake the happiness and the indifferent attitude, towards almost everything. (other than my career, of course) 

Now! Do I like being alone all the time? Does it add to my loneliness? I like being alone. I think I am able to breath from a higher place of authentic energy as long as I am alone. I am creative. So I end up channelising my energy into creating something.Mostly it's my writing via which I express myself but all writings are not meant for my blog. I paint too. I absolutely like organising things. Now does it make me lonely? Yes, it does. There are times when I feel so, so lonely and the past comes back to haunt me in a million little ways. And surprisingly there is no way out. And so I allow myself to feel the sadness that tightens me like the arms of an octopus, playing with the last ball of positive energy that I have in me and thrashing it into an eternal sphere of energy that's dark. It's definitely hard. But something always brings me back to life. Hard to say what. But that darkness always has a light that reaches out to me everytime I fall. And that's how I know my journey is not complete. I have been to different places. Have met so, so many people. I have worked in different places. And if there is something I am immensely proud of ,it is the variety of good and bad experiences that I had had in my life so far. I never wanted to have an easy going government job. I still stand by it. I never wanted to live by the residue of what I would inherit. Gratefully I have been able to stand by it too. I could never butter anyone for anything. That way ,many, till date, think that I am extremely rude. Well if that's how you want to see it, I am okay with it. I am unapproachable and you better think twice before knocking on my door. I don't entertain nonsense of any kind. And I will not. 

So I am happy to be alone but there is an obvious lingering loneliness because I am looking for an energy that can be/is my instructor, guide and destination. As long as I don't find that, I will forever feel lonely on Earth. I have evolved though. I am working on my personality and character. I know this will help me. 

Now the other half. Do I fake my happiness? NO. I am not always laughing or looking for the spotlight. So be rest assured that when I am happy, I am genuinely happy. I draw meaning of my existence from the work that I do. It matters to me. I am hard working and I am possessive about my work . When people say that I should have settled abroad or whatever. I tell them that it is not my dream. At times I can be very moody and impulsive. But then again, that's my original self. I would rather be this weird original version of myself and live life in the weirdest way possible as long as it has got meaning for me. So that's happiness and success for me.  If I have an indifferent attitude that scares most, bothers most, I apologize, for this will not change. Penning it all down for those viewers who think I am extremely showy, insecure and sad. I am sorry to disappoint you. My goals are different. It requires the kind of patience and ambition that demands a personality like mine. Nothing is free and Life may not be at its best phase at the moment but I am evolving and enjoying. Also I am happily counting my days for something that I have been looking forward to for sometime now. Small minds will immediately think "Marriage". Ugh! There are better things in this world you see. 




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