Quiet murmurs

Getting oneself some free time is quite a job. And now that I have finally managed to steal sometime after a week's hard work, I am back to writing. A lot had happened this week. Classes, clashes, PTMs, PPT(s),conferences, discussions, corrections, court and convincing. Did not I already tell you all before, that my life keeps me busy ?! With the ways things are heading in directions I am not very fond of, I might have to compromise on a few things that I hold close to my heart. Challenging times but what perplexes me more is the  the normal behaviour of people around. They  probably assume I am an Alpha female and I can manage it all...Who will tell them that at the end of the day I am just a human being with the normal capacity of emotional strength that a normal human has ?! Also, I am young. Just saying. Since I am in my hometown for a few days, I have the privilege of shutting myself up in my room and working on myself...talking in terms of healing of course. Those are the times when I read shocking stories from all around the world. Some stories disappoint me, while some inspire me. It is really strange that all of us have our own lives with our own set of problems. And stranger is the way people continue with their living as if nothing is wrong. Do not they question themselves ever? I did. I do. Most of the times I am either blank or I have some shocking answers stored for me. But I find it hard to settle with answers which I don't like. I find it hard to just go on living the usual way. People tend to avoid problems but that does not mean that life is devoid of them. And when finally people face the huge blow for having neglected such problems, they find themselves nowhere. I wonder often, why is it so difficult to think ? Is it because every reality you come to terms with is painful and difficult? But accepting and gulping the same feeling is important too. Is not it? I might have to return back to Rajasthan earlier than I thought. Students of classes 10 and 12 may return soon after Diwali and that in turn means that the teachers teaching such classes will have to return too. I often tell my students that it is not just a boarding for you all, but it is a boarding for the teachers too. Never in my life have I been this disciplined. Never in my life have I faced so many deadlines... Never in my life have I worked so hard for a batch as if their results would mean nothing less than my own result... Never in my life did I think I will ever come to a stage where I will think beyond myself for others who are not family by blood. But here I am. Giving my best and hoping that my students would give their best too. With all the problems that I have at my home , it has become a very hard task for me to manage all the sides but I am trying. I repeat I am no Alpha female. I am normal. But there is something that is keeping me sane despite all the mishaps taking place. I don't know what that is? Something that strikes my mind as I write this is an incident that took place last year, during December. A student conveyed to me indirectly that he did not like the way I taught in the class. I can't explain how badly that affected me back then. I cried. I thought so much about it. I was even angry at the student for telling me so. I could not concentrate in my work because despite everything I always gave my best and I was not ready for such a negative comment. After two weeks or so, I understood where I was going wrong. As a teacher, you must look perfect in front of your students. As a teacher, you must be well aware of every nook and corner of the topic that you are going to teach them. As a teacher your voice should be powerful enough to reach all the students of your class. As a teacher you should be ready with all the answers at the tip of your fingers . As a teacher you need to keep yourself updated all the time. You cannot complain. Teenagers will never understand that you are young and that even you are learning. Even I would not have, had I been in their place. Sickness, workload is something that students will not understand. And that is where I went wrong. I said yes to every little project that i used to get last year. As a result , I was concentrating on other areas more and by the time i was in the classroom, my way of teaching became very mechanic , out of tiredness. Thank God that this young man conveyed me the very thing. Since then , till now I have only worked and overworked. It had cost me my sleep and health. But I have not faltered as a teacher in any way. That is very important ...something that I know now. And also I have received praises from the same boy early this year and a month back. Yes, I earned it. Indeed there is no shortcut to good things. We make mistakes. We learn from them. We improvise. We grow. It is so important to be pro-active all the time. I continuously practise language for my students. And that is how I have learned so much more. Earlier I had to think twice before giving a language lesson to a class. But now I have become more confident. It did not happen overnight. Long hours of practise and telling myself that I will have to simplify what I understand from a lesson further , so that it can be easily understood by my students. Amidst all of this, my dark circles are getting bigger and darker. My personal life has come to a zero and I am never not doing anything. Back when I was 18, I used to say that hostel days suck. Little did the 18 year old me knew that Life will give me more terrible reasons to feel bad. Even worse. I won't be able to escape them.