Reverberation

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 There was a time when I was a prolific writer. I used to post atleast four write ups in a month because I had a target to reach. But soon after I reached the target, things started changing in and around me. Life kept me busy. In the process I lost so many things. On 5th of September '20, I lost my grandfather whom I dearly addressed as ' dada'. It shook my world. I am in the process of healing. Damn! It is so painful. Now it is just my mother and me in the family. A whole set of new responsibilites have come on my shoulders. Testing times indeed. But it has never been otherwise. I always had one challenge or the other to cope with. It has always added up to the adventurous spirit in my life. It has done me more. It has weathered me in ways I can't possibly express. There is a subdued longingness for positive people and situations. There is a hanging gray cloud which I can feel but can't show to anyone. What is more strange is the way I always manage to smile despite it all. The faking of this smile has been a practice since Class 8 and now I am such a pro at it, that  I can fake it effortlessly without anyone observing it. Most of the times, that is what I want.  Sometimes I just wish that things were a little different. But I don't allow myself to think about it too much. I know I will be left with no solutions and the heaviness inside and outside , would just increase. My mother is more worried about my health because she knows how badly I suffer from being abnormally and unusually active all the time. How do I tell her that not being that hyperactive would have some different repurcussions? It is a defense mechanism after all. However something very strange happened today. I was taking a class and I ended the class 15 mins before the expected time. I normally don't do that. But I felt tired. I always do but it was a different tiredness today. I was tired of my whole existence ...tired of being numb and sensitive at the same time. I am so badly besotted with lonliness that I can't think of a better way out. They say death is the biggest truth in life. But is not lonliness a bigger living truth for all?  I have stopped communicating such feelings because at the end of the day one is left with nothing but one 's own mind  and that I tell you my friend, is a bigger monster.


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